You Need Help: Best Ways To Get A Hold Of Nerdy Females to Date? | Autostraddle

Q:

I am a bi lady during my late 20s, and I wanna date even more females. (I also have executive function problems, and I suspect I’m averagely on spectrum) we meet a lot of my associates through my interests.

But You will find realized I have really standard nerdy pastimes (anime, dungeons and dragons, games, an such like) and these communities tend to be dominated by men. I don’t fulfill some available ladies through these pastimes. (i really do have other pastimes that I participate in, but I also have but in order to meet somebody through all of them.) I have an extremely difficult time using matchmaking apps for a lot of explanations, and I rarely establish a spark through internet internet dating anyways. Online dating sites entirely drains me, and it’s since interesting as answering work emails for me.

Post COVID, we’ll check out women/queer particular nerdy places, but in all honesty there isn’t most of them. I typically feel an outsider in queer certain areas, that I think everyone really does, but it is often a lot more alienating than affirming. I feel like I’m in secondary school getting dismissed because of the cool women, and I usually end talking to the gay men from the gay bar/party about Brandon Sanderson books in the place of setting up.

It really is very no problem finding nerdy men as of yet, and perhaps it is anything I’ve fallen into because We literally need not spend any energy anyway to have hit on. The answer may be to save money amount of time in male areas and figure out how to browse ladies areas better. But exactly how would i really do that? We have social skills, i simply feel…invisible.

A:

I state this with the love and concern on earth, but In my opinion you’ll probably be getting in your personal method here. You’ve told your self these interests tend to be reigned over by men and, thus, you have closed your self off to watching and hooking up with women in these globes. I believe unlearning several of these presumptions may help open you doing meeting more females. Has got the narrative that these pastimes are naturally “dominated by males” been forced onto you by main-stream tradition? How could you challenge that narrative?

Let’s start right here: There are plenty of women and queer individuals mixed up in anime, tabletop game, and gaming communities. Once I hear you say these areas are dominated by males, I think you are making reference to prominent discussion (ie. mainstream web pages and message boards like Reddit) on these subject areas, which does typically focus guys. But that’s hardly the total photo. There are plenty of queer-specific spaces for those hobbies/interests. Even just right right here on Autostraddle mark com, absolutely a bunch of composing on these exact things, like
this extremely bisexual article on Dungeons & Dragons
;
Heather’s poignant D&D essay
;
Valerie’s Vital Role posts
; all
these
movie
video game
reviews/features
. Check out the
Geekery class
for more articles. And Autostraddle is not the only spot in which ladies are authoring and engaging with nerd society, and I motivate that look for them around. There are a lot queer article writers covering these topics—even within main-stream media.
Chingy
provides discussed
games
and
anime
for a number of different places.
Lucy O’Brien
is an editor at

IGN

.
Patricia Hernandez
will be the editor-in-chief of

Kotaku

.

From the things I realize, the precise areas you engaged with commonly controlled by males, but i am merely wanting to assist you to see there are various other possibilities. You simply might have to find especially queer areas, which calls for some investigating and work. But In my opinion going in using the assumption here “isn’t many of them” is stopping you moving forward! The occasions i have attended Comic-Con, i have gone with a team of women—most of who are queer. I’d to locate that community, nevertheless was actually very rewarding while I did. As a lesbian of tone, I totally sympathize together with your experience with loneliness and invisibility in a few fandom/hobby rooms. Used to do need to search for my people. But throughout that procedure, we learned there were numerous people who express my passions

and

my identities. I was capable deny and subvert a few of the norms peddled about nerd culture through developing my very own community (which I performed via tumblr).

I know the aforementioned instances tend to be

online

areas, however they’re good starting point. And that I can assure you: numerous fandoms and nerd subcultures have meetups, activities, activities, etc. that do not only add queer women but middle all of them. I am aware you’re not thinking about internet dating (and that’s good! It isn’t really for everybody!) but probably connecting with increased folks on social media marketing or even merely checking out these on line areas in a passive means (like reading posts about nerd culture compiled by queer females) assists you to recognize there are several women and queer ladies who are present within these planets. That might help you then relate to women that share the interests in real world, and it may additionally help with determining about even more in-person tasks. There are plenty ladies and queer people who are pressing fandom and nerd society getting more comprehensive and feminist spaces.

This section of your own page stands apart if you ask me: “I often feel an outsider in queer certain spaces, which I guess everybody else really does, but it is frequently much more alienating than affirming.” Buddy, I am very sorry this is how you may have thought! I am also questioning exactly how much of this experience is actually grounded on internalized biphobia or other deep-rooted elements. Since if i am getting honest with you, it is

not

how everybody feels in queer-specific spaces, that I you shouldn’t say to negate your experience. A lot of people perform experience this, and I also have in the past, also. But other stuff are feasible.

Queer spaces are super affirming and inclusive (though needless to say, most are not). Distinguishing the causes you felt like an outsider can help you work on it. Have you experienced biphobia or other forms of stigma in these places? Exactly what, especially, evokes that sense of getting “ignored of the cool ladies”? When you enter a space, do you really instantly feel this? Whether or not it’s according to a previous knowledge, how could you operate toward healing from that so you’re able to try new, probably more appealing rooms?

I’m very sorry you’re feeling hidden in women’s and queer spaces. Once more, I’m hoping you can consider to determine where that sensation originates from. Exactly what do you need to feel much more comfortable in these rooms? Have you got a pal exactly who could have you? Must you set objectives for your self to push away from your own safe place slightly? (eg: deciding to talk to no less than three new-people at a function.) What feels easier to you about speaking with gay men within bar/parties? Could it be since there

actually

the stress to flirt or hookup in those connections? If that’s the case, do you really feel more relaxed any time you chose to meet much more queer ladies without having any expectations it will instantly induce relationship?

I know you are feeling as if you don’t have to use any effort attain hit on by guys, hence makes sense in my opinion, because many social configurations are steeped in heteronormativity. One believed I got in terms of being reached by a lot more queer women in these rooms should signal the queerness in a visible means. I understand not everyone is comfortable with that—especially in spaces that aren’t explicitly queer—so it is entirely for you to decide! However, if you dressed in a bi pin or something like that such as that, next different queer females might gravitate toward you and next, voila, you can begin speaking! Its true that often as queer women we need to work somewhat more difficult locate one another. A literally apparent answer may help together with your feelings of invisibility.

Finally, In my opinion beginning with unlearning certain standard presumptions you’ve got concerning your hobbies contains the possibility to open plenty things for your needs. You might become locating fellow bisexual women who have actually battled with similar emotions of alienation during these places and also bond together on it. You might find yourself discovering fellow bisexual ladies who have had a lot more affirming encounters and study from all of them about more inviting spaces. I think you are going to have to be really deliberate on how you search queer and women-centric areas. They truly are truth be told there; I promise. You also have the option of carving out your own space. Start a queer D&D promotion! There might be those who are in search of the same circumstances whilst inside area. Queer folks so frequently need reimagine and carve our own places, rejecting the dominant narratives hurled at us. I want you to call home your best bi life, whenever you intend to date even more women, however believe you are able to totally do this inside your hobbies/interests! Go for it! Put in the work locate, explore, or create these queer and women-centric spaces, that is so much easier should you enter making use of the presumption they

can

and

carry out

can be found.